Yes, I’m still blessed :)

The past few days made me realize two things:

1.) Some broken relationships have to stay broken.

2.) But some are also meant to be fixed.

I am thankful for the many great people that have took their time to make my life one of their stopovers. It is a known fact (cliche even) that people just come and go. Like it or not, its a thing that we all have to deal with. However the beauty of this cycle is that when certain people have to move along with their own journeys, a new set of people comes along and instantly refills their places. I clearly did not use the word "replace" because no one can replace anyone. They merely refill a missing area in our lives–and add some more even.

So going back to the two things that I have learned. Yup, some relationships (friendships/kinships/uyabships..whatever) are not constant. When you realize that despite every effort you put into something that will never work, you just have to accept that some things should just be left alone. Yes, some battles are really meant to be lost.

On the other hand, when a thing can still be fixed, it really can be fixed. I am happy with a recent reconciliation I had with a good friend. The silent war we had really had me bothered, but now after the reconciliation, not only do I feel better, I also feel vindicated.

Despite a recent re-letting go, I am also happy that there is also a welcoming back. God does work in mysterious ways, and I do not mind because I know that His plans are perfect for me. I’ve stopped questioning His will already. I’ve realized that once we surrender everything to Him, instead of feeling vulnerable, we become more invincible.

Sometimes it is so hard to look for the silver lining when all we focus on are the dark clouds, but looking at the brighter side of life is a hundred times better than staying in the dark.

Yes, despite the P8 fare, the weird weather, the war in Mindanao, the piling debts– I am still blessed.

How about you? Have you counted your blessings lately?

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just one of those…

I was going through my sent items in my friendster mailbox and saw that I sent this to a friend who asked me to write something for the person that she loves so that she could give it. This one is one of my personal favorites. I actually wrote this not for my friend, but for myself. There was just this point in my life when I wanted the right person to come sooo much…ofcourse by the right person I also meant that that person should love me back. I guess everyone of us has our own share of "loving someone who doesn’t love me back" stories, and it happens. But the right one does come, I tell you. He’s not a myth or an imaginary creation of a hopeless romantic. He’s real, he exists…Only that he hasn’t come yet.

So anyway, before this introduction becomes a whole different post, here it is…this is for everyone who knows how it feels to wait…

When That Day Comes…

I have waited for you in my dreams…Night after night, only waking up to a reality of your nonexistence. And maybe one day I will see you.

And you can look at me like the way you look at me in my dreams. Look at me like I was the only one that mattered. That nothing, not wind, or storm, or fire could ever come between us.

And I would love you for all eternity and hold you in my heart. And I will give you my all, my heart, my soul, my being. And you will never be loved by anyone else the way I will love you. I will keep you safe, and take you into a world where morning kisses and evening dances mattered. Where I will gently hold your heart, and kiss away your tears.

Oh and yes you will love me back. And I will keep your faith in mine. There will never be a lonely day. And if ever there will be, I will paint a smile on your face. For your happiness is what I will always long for. You will learn to fear no more for I will always be by your side.

I will never leave you. I will love you til our next life. And you will love me too. And if things go wrong, I’ll make it right. Anything…everything…just to keep you in my heart. And you’d keep me in yours. For I am yours. For all of my life I am yours.

Or you can wake me up from this dream…and be miserable without you. But until it happens, until its real, until that day comes…I shall continue to wait. Now and forever, until you come, I shall wait.

scared*as*hell

Maybe I was just meant to help make it less painful…

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Still…there’s that 1-100% possibility. And all this could just be one big delusion. All too good to be true. If so, then please wake me up when I still have the ability to stand up from this. Before I would have had sacrificed every ounce of strength, reason or logic for this love I believe I feel.

Maybe I was just meant to help make it less painful…If so, did I make it less painful?

i guess people do cry when they’re happy too ü

i just had a sappy moment. ü

i woke up before dawn this morning  with an incredible feeling of elation and fear. Ah..such bittersweet contradiction, but sweet nonetheless.

True, true, good things come to those who wait. I waited for something that I thought would never come. For an impossibility that I never dreamed would ever cross my path like this…But yes, sometimes, there are those fortunate few whose prayers would really be granted. Well, well…lucky me. ü

And just thinking about it…and then basking in the thought, I couldn’t refuse this overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out. So I did, I wept…I cried til my eyes caught dyspepsia and this clear sticky and goo-ie liquid threatened to run down my nose. (Gross, I know. ) I did this for about an hour…And when I tried to ask myself why I cried, I found myself at a loss for answers. I wasn’t miserable, I wasn’t in deep mortifying shtit…the last feeling I remembered before I went into a bawling session was happiness…there was a bit of fear, but it was more of happiness and contentment at the realiziation that I never waited in vain. So yes, it’s true..our tear ducts are also active during euphoria. ü

I guess that’s why there’s what we call "tears of joy". So to the One Supreme Being who is responsible for THIS, I thank Thee. Thank You for this wonderful blessing, for this lovely gift.

Thank You for these tears of joy.

CHAR LANG GUD. ü

Somehow after writing my 50th entry, I found writing my 51st  to be a great challenge…I didn’t want to create an entry that would’nt be as good as my previous entries…I felt pressured because I knew that some of my friends who are really good writers read my blog, and I wanted to deliver something that would be able to contribute something to them.

But then again, if that was going to be the case, I would’nt be writing for myself anymore. I would be writing for a public who might probably like what I wrote, but I won’t really be able to attain that personal sense of satisfaction.

Still, regardless of whom I will be writing for, myself, others…friends…a special someone…strangers…I do aim to get better at this…to be able to reveal a better me while making a better ME.

And what better time to write this 51st entry than at the beginning of the year! It’s a new year everyone, we all start off with a clean slate again…The mistakes of last year have already been forgotten and the happiness and joys are now only sweet memories. We are given another chance to live anew. To create another set of joys, another set of pains…It will never be the same each year, and like it or not, we just have to face each new year head on, with confidence that what lies ahead is a great adventure for us to discover.

Two of the greatest things I’ve learned from year 2006 is this:

1. Things always look better when you look at the bright side of any given situation, may it be the most drastic of circumstances.
2. Happiness is a choice.

These two lessons have kept my spirits high in situations where I would just normally prefer to mope in my room and shut out the world. One thing that I always try to remember is that no good will ever happen to you if you allow problems to put you down. Last year was a good year. I can say that I became a stronger and wiser person because of these two principles.

This year will be another story to tell. Well then, ces’t la vie!

……………………

My 51st entry, my introduction to a new chapter in my life.

Have a good 2007 everyone! I know I will. I just have to make it happen. =)

MY 50TH ENTRY!!!ü

So…what does one write when she reaches her 50th entry in her blog? I just want to make this entry special but really, how? I’ve had this blog since May 2005 and I tell you, I’ve already vented, rambled and gushed about everything and nothing that has happened in my life from that time on until now. This blog has been a blessing to me in so many ways than I can imagine because it has witnessed me in my happiest, saddest, weakest and strongest moments of my life. Since May 2005–that is. But hey, 1 year and 6 months in one’s lifetime can mean a gazillion significant events already! I have changed in that span of time. I have become a better person–as that is always what I strive to be.

And this blog…this brilliant invention of mankind…has become such a wonderful source of strength. Other blogs have also been a source of inspiration. It’s nice reading about other people’s lives, the troubles they’re undergoing and the happiness they’re enjoying–not because its fun being a snoop, but because it is also from these entries that I realize that I am not alone in this world! Other people also hurt, other people also feel weak, other people also have their own share of fears and so on…

And then there are also those who leave comments in some of my entries. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Your comments mean soooo much to me. When I first started this blog, I never thought that someone would even bother to read this. So to those who spared time to read about my life, I really appreciate you. Especially those who are concerned and leave inspiring advices and comforting messages. You have no idea how these comments could make my day. Again THANK YOU.

So now that I’m writing my 50th entry, I hope that more comments would come…More significant life-changing experiences to share…And more people to (i hope) inspire.

Out of the previous 49 entries that I have here, there are 14 that I could say are very dear to me. These 14 entries could pretty much sum up all that has happened to me since I started this blog. So here they are, I share them with you. If you do take time to read atleast a few of them, I thank you in advance. ü

1.) Counting my blessings… (http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2005/12/index.html

2.) why i love 4b’s=)

3.) love factories and anti-fear labs http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/01/index.html

4.) now that i’m a graduate… http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/03/index.html

5.) tribute to bloggers!

6.) and my point is..? http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/06/index.html

7.) her royal shmuckness speaks… http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/07/index.html

8.) isang istick

9.) you still there? http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/08/index.html

10.) healing

12.) listen to a 20 year old b*tch about being single http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/09/index.html

13.) Uso na diay na ron?

14.) What’s left of me… http://manzkieee_215.blogs.friendster.com/kanta_manna_kanta/2006/10/index.html

what’s left of me…

I just deleted a whole paragraph that I just typed earlier. And now I’m typing again…great.

I am finally here in my own sweet surrender  

And I await the coming of the dawn

Take my life as it has already served its own purpose…

Bared my soul, loved though unloved, gave without doubt, lived to the last drop of blood.

What is left of me…is what I’m not.

Tomorrow promises a new day. Does it also promise a new me? A new life? A new heart? A brand new heart…without scar, without blemish, without pain…Oh how sweet it would be to wake up one morning and not feel any sting, any stab of pain in one’s chest. To be invincible. How I’d give up anything to be invincible.

To be transformed into someone who does not know pain, nor happiness…to not feel anything. To be like a rock. To exist without living. To not have purpose. Such a sad, sad thought. But sometimes, I do dream of this.

I do dream of this…

Uso na diay na ron?

I am gonna be very vague in this post so don’t even bother trying to understand this.

It’s just that, I don’t get it at all. But oh well, everything’s fine from my end. No emotional stress whatsoever. Just questions that I probably won’t get the answers to. Again. Strike 3, your out! Hahaha..(see told you this post would be weird.)

I’m probably gonna get in trouble for this. But I hope not, though. I’m just taking it easy…Right bai? My bai is just so amazing, you know. The two of us have been sharing stuff with each other lately that apparently both of us could relate to. Hers is a bit more dificult though, I guess. I don’t know, it depends on how you see it.

By the way bai, thanks for listening to me…This could have probably driven me crazy had you not allowed me to share everything to you. Talking to her about stuff can be sooo amusing because she’s such a "kunsintidor." Nyahahaha…But ofcourse we both know to what extent I could take her seriously. She and her damned theories. Kaw jud bai, taka lang jud ka, buot2 lang jud pirmi!ü But no worries, this won’t faze me. It will just be probably swept away by the wind one of this days. Who knows, tomorrow something radically new would come our way again, so we just have to move on. Hahaha…

I wonder what is in store for me the next few months…Will I still be in this company? Will I [########scratch to read######] ? Will I turn out to be the asian version of Angelina Jolie?? (ok, dream on girl!) And so many "Will I’s?" that of course, I’ll never really get answers to unless they do happen.

It’s just that, I don’t have a profound insight on my life lately. I know I’m still in control, but I often get this uneasy feeling whenever my mind starts playing tricks on me. Analyzing and over analyzing can be pretty exhausting so I decided, together with Bai Filz, that it’s better not to sweat it out and just simply go where the wind would take us. Sakto ka bai, mao na gyud tingali ni ang uso ron.

listen to a 20 year old b*tch about being single

It’s 8:08 pm and I’m still in my friggin’ office. Hmm…surprise surprise. Normally, since today is a Tuesday, I’d be at abellana with the team, probably jogging my ass off while they practice with their athlete stuff. However, since abellana (or Cebu Sports Center–to be politically correct) is having their grass "maintained", we’re not allowed to practice there for two whole friggin’ weeks. Argh. Do any of you guys have suggestions as to where else our team could strut their stuff coz, our first game is already THIS Saturday.

Anyway, so there, since I have nothing else to do, I’m hanging out at the office. Being the brat employee that I am, I used this free time to internet-blog-all-i-can and watch an episode of the series Supernatural. Of course because it’s for free…and there’s unlimited internet access, and there’s aircon, and–and I’m freakin running out of reasons why I aint going home yet. Whew. Because honestly, theres nothing–no one to go home to. That’s why I preoccupy myself with "busy and important grown-up stuff" because when there’s nothing to do, that’s just simply it. There’s absolutely nothing.

Bai Filz and I were just texting a while ago and I was whining about how boring life could get for a 20 year old single in a city like Cebu. Sure I’m still pretty young and there’s still a lot ahead of me. I’m not really super in a hurry to hook up with someone, but you know..sometimes, it’s boring and lonely. I know it’s fun that you could do whatever you want, whenever you want with no one telling you what to do, that it’s fun spending every cent of hard earned money on yourself and not on an anniversary gift or whatever it is that I would have spent for my beau in case I had one. But there are just–I don’t know, what do you call them–err…moments? Moments when you question yourself why the hell you’re not in a relationship yet when everyone on the friggin planet is painting the town red. Hmmm…tough question to answer.

But then again there are also times when I bask in my single blessedness because there’s not much emotional baggage. I mean, its sometimes fun hanging out with the rest of your other single friends and bitch about failed relationships or talk about which couple are having a fight or who recently broke up with who and thank the heavens above that you don’t have to worry about those  "insignificant" stuff because well, in the first place, you’re not committed.

Thing is, we single human beings also do wonder sometimes how life would be when you are committed with another human being. How it feels going home knowing you have someone eagerly waiting to find out how your day went. Or that how you’d hurry finishing your work (not like me who takes aaaalll the time in the world) because you don’t want to be late for a date. Or how would it feel walking in Ayala holding someone’s hand and having this invisible "Taken and loved by someone" sign. Okay I’m already scaring myself. Hmm… I’d better put a stop to this before I even mention "having to carry protection just in case" –OOPS did I just say it? Hahaha..Kidding! See??

I think I’m ready to go home now.