her royal shmuckness speaks…

Just when I thought that everything was okay and that everything was running smoothly…sunny skies and all…my life takes its turn for the worst and then *BANG!* The moment just smacked me right in the face. What I thought I knew, I never really knew. What I thought happened, never really did. It was like realizing that I have just been living one big astrological illusion and that everything that happened from that time on until reality sank in never really existed.

It would be mightily convenient to laugh at my blinding stupidity, but laughing just couldn’t come easily out of my mouth right now…much more out of my heart.

It’s a freaking bombshell. When you least expect it to blow right in front of your face, it does. Why doesn’t it explode when you’re already turning your back? Why doesn’t it explode when there would be lesser impact? Why does it have to be destructive? Because it’s LIFE’s way of telling you "Hey dude! You blind or somethin’?? Check out what a schmuck you’ve made out of yourself!"

Crazy thing though is that I guess in a way, I sort of saw it coming. But I just didn’t think it actually would. And there’s ultimately no point of blaming it on the one who’s caused this wreck because that person didn’t actually cause it. (I know…go figure.) Because in the end, if there really is someone to blame, it’s me. Because I allowed this to happen to me. Because despite the warning signs and sirens that blazed in my mind, I chose to ignore them and went along with my daredevil moments. What’s that they said again? "You’ll never know unless you try, right?" –>just plain f*ckin B.S. Well guess what, NOW I KNOW.

And I don’t know why I keep on making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe because I just never listen to my insticts. Or that I’m just a freakin positive thinker–which, by the way, will have to change now. I don’t get why everytime I’d say "I’ve have it! Enough!", I’d trip on my toes and then stand up again and think why not give it another try? When I heard the phrase "Try and try until you die," I thought it was freakin funny. Well now it ain’t. Because I’ve already died trying.

Maybe I’m cursed. (ay syet simbako…ako bawion!…feshte..)

No maybe I just have a knack with playing dumb.

Nakakatwa…

Nakakaiyak…

fickle

was i really serious about my previous post? (entitled: …and my point is?) i mean, was it really something that occured to me, or was i just kidding with myself?

well i was talking about being emotionally detached. probably. coz i think, when i wrote that (1 month ago), i’ve built a sturdy wall around myself. and man can i say that that wall was foolproof, bulletproof, waterproof and whatever f*cking proof there is to tell??? but dang…i think it wasn’t *egroeg*proof. (wtf?)

okay, i guess what i’m trying to tell here is that, i’d have to start doing a whole lot of a better job with that wall because i think it’s starting to chip off. it’s still standing, it’s still strong, but its no longer strong enough. i’ve gotta get tougher bricks and cement because i couldn’t afford another breakdown. not now. not this soon. not when i’m still hoping to win a P500 bet with filz–which is a whole other different story. (it’s a lame bet anyway) 

so here i am… again. blabbering about my emotional rollercoasters and stuff. and what do i get from this? what do YOU guys get from this? *sigh* oh well…

i don’t even know how to end this entry.