listen to a 20 year old b*tch about being single

It’s 8:08 pm and I’m still in my friggin’ office. Hmm…surprise surprise. Normally, since today is a Tuesday, I’d be at abellana with the team, probably jogging my ass off while they practice with their athlete stuff. However, since abellana (or Cebu Sports Center–to be politically correct) is having their grass "maintained", we’re not allowed to practice there for two whole friggin’ weeks. Argh. Do any of you guys have suggestions as to where else our team could strut their stuff coz, our first game is already THIS Saturday.

Anyway, so there, since I have nothing else to do, I’m hanging out at the office. Being the brat employee that I am, I used this free time to internet-blog-all-i-can and watch an episode of the series Supernatural. Of course because it’s for free…and there’s unlimited internet access, and there’s aircon, and–and I’m freakin running out of reasons why I aint going home yet. Whew. Because honestly, theres nothing–no one to go home to. That’s why I preoccupy myself with "busy and important grown-up stuff" because when there’s nothing to do, that’s just simply it. There’s absolutely nothing.

Bai Filz and I were just texting a while ago and I was whining about how boring life could get for a 20 year old single in a city like Cebu. Sure I’m still pretty young and there’s still a lot ahead of me. I’m not really super in a hurry to hook up with someone, but you know..sometimes, it’s boring and lonely. I know it’s fun that you could do whatever you want, whenever you want with no one telling you what to do, that it’s fun spending every cent of hard earned money on yourself and not on an anniversary gift or whatever it is that I would have spent for my beau in case I had one. But there are just–I don’t know, what do you call them–err…moments? Moments when you question yourself why the hell you’re not in a relationship yet when everyone on the friggin planet is painting the town red. Hmmm…tough question to answer.

But then again there are also times when I bask in my single blessedness because there’s not much emotional baggage. I mean, its sometimes fun hanging out with the rest of your other single friends and bitch about failed relationships or talk about which couple are having a fight or who recently broke up with who and thank the heavens above that you don’t have to worry about those  "insignificant" stuff because well, in the first place, you’re not committed.

Thing is, we single human beings also do wonder sometimes how life would be when you are committed with another human being. How it feels going home knowing you have someone eagerly waiting to find out how your day went. Or that how you’d hurry finishing your work (not like me who takes aaaalll the time in the world) because you don’t want to be late for a date. Or how would it feel walking in Ayala holding someone’s hand and having this invisible "Taken and loved by someone" sign. Okay I’m already scaring myself. Hmm… I’d better put a stop to this before I even mention "having to carry protection just in case" –OOPS did I just say it? Hahaha..Kidding! See??

I think I’m ready to go home now.

h e a l i n g

"I’m so tired of simlpy seeing a mere flicker of light. I want out…NOW."

It’s not so easy to breathe yet. Just when you thought everything’s over, all of a sudden it just reemerges as if someone forcefully summoned it from the dead. It’s tiring, aggravating, frustrating, deliriously nauseating just thinking about it. Why don’t they give me a break? Oh forget it. They never will. They enjoy the sadistic pleasure way too much.

It’s hard concentrating on healing when every once in a while, someone gnashes at you and chews on your bones and drains the blood out of you like some sick maniac. It just is…And sometimes, just like a joke, you believe that you’ve finally reached this level of nirvana only to be awakened by your ever recurring issues in life. And this has certainly bled me dry already. It has already absorbed every ounce of energy ever left in this body of mine. It would be a great luxury to just give up and give in to eternal slumber… But I don’t want to give them that satisfaction either.

At this point of my existence, I have really come to the conclusion that people, no matter how perfect, how wonderful they will try to be to you, at one point  or another will be total assholes and treat you like shit. Not that they do these things on purpose. Some do, but some just don’t know, don’t even have an inkling that their imminent existence brings so much misery in someone else’s life.

And then there’s also this theory that life’s idea of a joke is having the same person for the one who causes you misery and bliss. Thus the cliche, "The only one who can make you okay is also the reason why your not okay." It’s inevitable, and it’s hillarious. It truly is…but no one laughs at it. 

Maybe I’ve lost the capability for full comprehension of life’s "simple complexities", but really, I’m very challenged to find the answers.

"I’m so tired of simlpy seeing a mere flicker of light. I want out…NOW."

boulevard of broken dreams

I miss my bed. I miss having solitary moments. I miss being alone…

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not a loner. As a matter of fact, I love going out with friends, I love being with my team, I love people…I love being around people because I love the noise, the buzz, the very alive atmosphere…But right now, I just want to crawl in my bed and bask in solitary peacefulness.

I feel like I’ve spread myself too thinly and that I need a break from the outside world. I need to have space for myself to reconnect with myself. How mightily convenient it would be for me right now to just stay in my dim room, listen to music, turn on my reading lamp and go through the pages of The Devil Wears Prada or The 12Th Angel or whatever book that I feel like reading at the moment. (I’m currently reading three–simultaneously.)

Life has been so fast-paced for me and I just want to relax right now. I feel so  mentally and emotionally stressed. That’s actually one more thing. My emotions are in turmoil right now and I can’t even figure out why…It might be some sort of after effect of something I just currently did, or it could be something deeper. I don’t know, how can I know when I don’t even have time to think about it. I mean, I have an okay job (not really great but okay), I have great friends, I have a great family, (I don’t have a boyfriend though, but that’s not the point), and yet I can’t help but feel that something is bothering me.  I know, go figure. If I could just get that time for myself…I know I’ll figure it out, and I know I’ll be fine. I’ll be back to my old bubbly self again. Some of my friends notice I’ve changed a bit and they even kidded me about being boring. I know….*dang* i don’t actually know. *sigh* [one more] *sigh*

take me far far away please…

d a r k a n g e l s .::(”,)::.

I just cannot–CANNOT wait for this season to begin! I mean, after going incognito last season, I sure am not gonna miss anything this time. GO DARK ANGELS!!!! much much love from your beloved team manager–yours truly. hahaha… I know, its kinda funny actually. We’re the only all-women flagfootball team in the Cebu Flag Football League (CFFL) with a team manager. Heck I think we’re the ONLY team in the entire league with a team manager.

It’s kind of a funny story actually. It all started when we lost pretty badly on our first season which led to our team captain "abandoning" us and transferring to a much "more competent" team. But well, everything happens for a reason right? And though shitty as it seemed, we didn’t allow for our team to just breakdown because our team captain left us, right? (Okay, just to clarify things a bit, I wasn’t really part-PART of the team. I was a Flag football assistant–a cheerer, a number 1 fan. )

So anyway, we chose a new team captain and she assigned me to become the "team manager." Whew… I didn’t really take it seriously at first, because well, I thought it was really meant to be a joke. Team manager as in glorified "alalay ng mga players."  Or so I thought. From just plain smokin away to being the person incharge of communication for everyone, to helping out with the sponsorships…and BAM! Name it! I’m actually living the life of being this team’s manager. And I’m just lovin it. I love these ladies. I love this team. WHOOOOOHOOOO!! Go dark angels! xxxmwuahmwuahmwuahxxx

Any team that comes between us and the goal will experience heaven’s wrath because we’re the dark…daark…daaark ANGELS!!!

bliss

I just wanted to say…thank you. I don’t toss and turn in my bed anymore at night. I sleep well. There are no more nightmares, no more monsters coming to take me whenever my eyes go shut.

I’ve finally broken free from it all. So thank you.

See it’s not so hard sometimes… =)