h e a l i n g

"I’m so tired of simlpy seeing a mere flicker of light. I want out…NOW."

It’s not so easy to breathe yet. Just when you thought everything’s over, all of a sudden it just reemerges as if someone forcefully summoned it from the dead. It’s tiring, aggravating, frustrating, deliriously nauseating just thinking about it. Why don’t they give me a break? Oh forget it. They never will. They enjoy the sadistic pleasure way too much.

It’s hard concentrating on healing when every once in a while, someone gnashes at you and chews on your bones and drains the blood out of you like some sick maniac. It just is…And sometimes, just like a joke, you believe that you’ve finally reached this level of nirvana only to be awakened by your ever recurring issues in life. And this has certainly bled me dry already. It has already absorbed every ounce of energy ever left in this body of mine. It would be a great luxury to just give up and give in to eternal slumber… But I don’t want to give them that satisfaction either.

At this point of my existence, I have really come to the conclusion that people, no matter how perfect, how wonderful they will try to be to you, at one point  or another will be total assholes and treat you like shit. Not that they do these things on purpose. Some do, but some just don’t know, don’t even have an inkling that their imminent existence brings so much misery in someone else’s life.

And then there’s also this theory that life’s idea of a joke is having the same person for the one who causes you misery and bliss. Thus the cliche, "The only one who can make you okay is also the reason why your not okay." It’s inevitable, and it’s hillarious. It truly is…but no one laughs at it. 

Maybe I’ve lost the capability for full comprehension of life’s "simple complexities", but really, I’m very challenged to find the answers.

"I’m so tired of simlpy seeing a mere flicker of light. I want out…NOW."

boulevard of broken dreams

I miss my bed. I miss having solitary moments. I miss being alone…

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not a loner. As a matter of fact, I love going out with friends, I love being with my team, I love people…I love being around people because I love the noise, the buzz, the very alive atmosphere…But right now, I just want to crawl in my bed and bask in solitary peacefulness.

I feel like I’ve spread myself too thinly and that I need a break from the outside world. I need to have space for myself to reconnect with myself. How mightily convenient it would be for me right now to just stay in my dim room, listen to music, turn on my reading lamp and go through the pages of The Devil Wears Prada or The 12Th Angel or whatever book that I feel like reading at the moment. (I’m currently reading three–simultaneously.)

Life has been so fast-paced for me and I just want to relax right now. I feel so  mentally and emotionally stressed. That’s actually one more thing. My emotions are in turmoil right now and I can’t even figure out why…It might be some sort of after effect of something I just currently did, or it could be something deeper. I don’t know, how can I know when I don’t even have time to think about it. I mean, I have an okay job (not really great but okay), I have great friends, I have a great family, (I don’t have a boyfriend though, but that’s not the point), and yet I can’t help but feel that something is bothering me.  I know, go figure. If I could just get that time for myself…I know I’ll figure it out, and I know I’ll be fine. I’ll be back to my old bubbly self again. Some of my friends notice I’ve changed a bit and they even kidded me about being boring. I know….*dang* i don’t actually know. *sigh* [one more] *sigh*

take me far far away please…

d a r k a n g e l s .::(”,)::.

I just cannot–CANNOT wait for this season to begin! I mean, after going incognito last season, I sure am not gonna miss anything this time. GO DARK ANGELS!!!! much much love from your beloved team manager–yours truly. hahaha… I know, its kinda funny actually. We’re the only all-women flagfootball team in the Cebu Flag Football League (CFFL) with a team manager. Heck I think we’re the ONLY team in the entire league with a team manager.

It’s kind of a funny story actually. It all started when we lost pretty badly on our first season which led to our team captain "abandoning" us and transferring to a much "more competent" team. But well, everything happens for a reason right? And though shitty as it seemed, we didn’t allow for our team to just breakdown because our team captain left us, right? (Okay, just to clarify things a bit, I wasn’t really part-PART of the team. I was a Flag football assistant–a cheerer, a number 1 fan. )

So anyway, we chose a new team captain and she assigned me to become the "team manager." Whew… I didn’t really take it seriously at first, because well, I thought it was really meant to be a joke. Team manager as in glorified "alalay ng mga players."  Or so I thought. From just plain smokin away to being the person incharge of communication for everyone, to helping out with the sponsorships…and BAM! Name it! I’m actually living the life of being this team’s manager. And I’m just lovin it. I love these ladies. I love this team. WHOOOOOHOOOO!! Go dark angels! xxxmwuahmwuahmwuahxxx

Any team that comes between us and the goal will experience heaven’s wrath because we’re the dark…daark…daaark ANGELS!!!

bliss

I just wanted to say…thank you. I don’t toss and turn in my bed anymore at night. I sleep well. There are no more nightmares, no more monsters coming to take me whenever my eyes go shut.

I’ve finally broken free from it all. So thank you.

See it’s not so hard sometimes… =)

you still there?

‘Cause when i try to talk to you
I feel like I’m not getting through to you
Where did we go wrong
It’s hard to be strong
When I talk…
When I talk to you

Do you know
How it feels
I hope that you know that it matters

I don’t know what happened. Okay so maybe I do.

I just miss talking to you. Or I miss talking to you, and you completely understanding what I’m talking about. Or I miss talking to you, and you completely feeling for me. I just miss that. All that. But now, I’m like, okay. I’m just shrugging it off as if I’m fine with it. I’m okay with it. I actually am not. But, I don’t know, I feel like I can’t reach out to you anymore. Or that maybe, you’ve just grown sick and tired of listening to me. Have you? Because I’m under this impression that we enjoy talking with each other. We enjoy understanding each other. We even enjoy reading each other’s minds. Damn I miss that. Aggh.

You think this is just, like, probably a phase in our friendship? Or are we really slowly slipping away? Sometimes I want to ask you if you are aware of what I’m in right now…Sigh. Of course your not. Why did I ask that in the first place. But maybe you are. But you’re just…simply ignoring it. Are you?

It’s pathetic that I should talk about this in my blog. But the thing is, you don’t even read my blogs. (Or atleast that’s what I think.) And, I can’t even talk about it with you. Straight. You and me, one-on-one. I can’t even confront you. Because you’ve detached yourself. And you have this invisible "Don’t even think about it"  sign placed up everytime I feel like talking to you. It’s frustrating, you know.

I know I can just let go of these and still be happy with my life. But the thing is, as long as I feel that there’s still this slightest chance that we can bring back things to how they really were, then I’m not giving up. I’m still trying to "feel you" right now and figuring out where I fit in in your life. Once I do, I’ll do the next step.

more from tickle

Manna, your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in Compassion

In other words, your uncompromisingly compassionate nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.

For example, your test results indicate that you’re most fulfilled when you can lend a helping hand to those who really need it. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in compassion and the range of emotions it triggers.

http://web.tickle.com/tests/emotions/

I don’t know how true these tickle tests are…but sometimes they do hit the jackpot when it comes to certain things. I don’t wanna go ahead and prove that I really am a compassionate person. As a matter of fact I don’t care what you think. But this test is just some sort of confirmation in helping me find out a lot about myself. *kewl*

if you happen to pass by this post…

one thing i realized about friendship is that no matter how solid you guys are, how tight, how you-and-me-against-the-world the both of you can get sometimes, when it’s time to fight, and curse, and not talk with each other, you feel like "hell it’s okay if i never ever see her again."

who cares. i can manage. i can live without you. life would still be good. i don’t frickin’ need you. blablabla….

and then after like a day or a week…it’s like, "if she says sorry first, then fine. we’re okay. but no way am i doing the first move."

and then another day or another week yet again passes…and something super incredible happens to you and your like, "oh yeah I’m really gonna tell (insert friend’s name) about this!" and then you realize, oops, we’re not okay yet. darn i hope she’d call me tonight. or i hope we’d be cool soon.

until one of you gives up, doesn’t care about what the F ever happened and you become friends again you don’t care anymore because you just missed each other so freakin much and…sigh–I can’t finish this part yet. because i’m not there yet…

whew.

anyway, if your reading this (you’re probably not), i miss you and i’m sorry. =(

*sigh* =)

Memorable quotes from "When Harry Met Sally"… ( i haven’t seen this movie yet but *dang*dang*dang* i super duper want to!!!! =( )

Sally Albright: Harry, you’re going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.

______________________________________________________

Harry Burns: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally Albright: What?
Harry Burns: I love you.
Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.
Sally Albright: How about, I’m leaving.

__________________________________________________________

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

_______________________________________________________

Sally Albright: I don’t have to take this crap from you.
Harry Burns: If you’re so over Joe, why aren’t you seeing anyone?
Sally Albright: I see people.
Harry Burns: See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?
Sally Albright: What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I’m over Joe? Because I fuck somebody? Harry, you’re gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you’ve slept with everybody in New York and I don’t see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you’re out for revenge or something.
Harry Burns: …Are you finished now?
Sally Albright: …Yes.
Harry Burns: Can I say something?
Sally Albright: Yes.
Harry Burns: …I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

___________________________________________________

Harry Burns: It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.

___________________________________________________

Sally Albright: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.

___________________________________________________

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

______________________________________________________

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?… Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn’t believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that… Yes, that’s right, they can’t be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can… This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted… That doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be friends.

______________________________________________

Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance

_____________________________________________

Harry Burns: I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

______________________________________________

Marie: All I’m saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don’t get him first, somebody else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband

________________________________________________

Harry Burns: The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe you’re either (a) not at home, (b) home but don’t want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it’s either (a) or (c), please call me back.

_________________________________________________

Sally: He just met her… She’s supposed to be his transitional person, she’s not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn’t want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I’m difficult.
Harry: You’re challenging.
Sally: I’m too structured, I’m completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I’m gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it’s there. It’s just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it’s not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.

_____________________________________________

Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn’t want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It’s true, it’s one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn’t even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we’d say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice. And then one day I was taking Alice’s little girl for the afternoon because I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice."
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It’s this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.

isang istick…

*hithit…buga*

ilang araw na ang lumipas simula ng kanyang pagkawala.

*hithit…buga*

nasaan na kaya siya?

*huling hithit…huling buga*

wala nang sigarilyo, wala na rin siya…

*alaala…alaala nating dalawa…

Kamusta ka? Alam ko’y ikaw ay masaya…

tickle tickle

Manna, your connection type is The In-depth Conversationalist …

Whether it’s 4 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon, you’re probably the friend people call when they need someone to talk to. "Lean on me" might as well be your theme song. You’re a great confidante and advisor who’s especially good at listening to your pals when something’s on their mind. Just make sure they’re willing to do the same for you!

Marathon phone calls don’t tire you out! You’ve been working on your endurance for years. Whether talking about the major events in your life, spelling out every detail of your last vacation, or giving the all important blow-by-blow of your last date, you’ve got stories to share with the loved ones in your life! And if that afterthought occurs just after you hang up? No worries. You’re not ashamed to call back for a quick update. Sure, your friends might tease you about your flair for drama and attention to detail. But they always know that when they need you, you’re just a phone call away.

http://web.tickle.com/tests/connect/result.jsp

*Friends, true or false? hehehe.. i loooove tickle tests. =)